By Tom Dodge, KERA Commentator
http://stream.publicbroadcasting.net/production/mp3/kera/local-kera-614438.mp3
Dallas, TX –
I'm trying to get over my fear of Wal-Mart by shopping at Midlothian's new superstore. My fears issue from the frenzy of it and its labyrinthine layout. Shoppers round corners pushing their buggies at high speed--usually while yapping into cellphones. These buggies are the correct height to render unsuspecting adult males incapable of siring future shoppers.
Others commandeer motorized buggies loaded with items, sometimes piled so high in front they can't see over them. These are battering rams, potentially lethal to unwary, inexperienced shoppers such as myself.
So I minimize the chaos of the main entrance by entering and leaving through the nursery. From there I go into the main store, get my one or two items and hurry out the way the I came. But the store is so enormous that I feel I need to tie a string to the entrance and follow it back like Theseus in the labyrinth. Once, while trying to find office supplies I ended up in the horror that is Electronics. An entire row of enormous televisions with loud garish images of rap stars performing their syncopated incantations loomed ahead of me. On another row race cars, like hornets on crack, blasted around and around the track, further disorienting me. Before I could extricate myself from this carnival of horrors the thought crossed my mind of how lucky dead people are.
There are no seminars, as far as I know, on the subject of Wal-Mart navigation. So ten-year-old A.J. Dodge is my guide.
We went to return the two floor lamps I had bought while trapped in Electronics Hell. I had gone to buy envelopes and dog food but in my disorientation, bought the lamps instead.
Well, in addition to the hazards, there is a Wal-Mart protocol on returning items. One of its tenets requires that the Hello Man inspect and stamp the returned items before proceeding directly to the return counter for the refund.
The Hello Man even added a bit of Wal-Mart inside information. "Three billion dollars," he said.
"Three billion dollars," I said. This man, I thought, knows how to tell a story. What an intro!
"That's how much Wal-Mart lost last year to teen-aged girls," he went on.
"Three billion dollars?" I said.
"Merchandise. Just walked out with it," he said.
"How do they do that?"
"Don't know."
We got our refund and so far, so good. Leaving the dog food department I remembered I wanted computer speakers. But these were in Electronics Hell! Oh well. A.J. was with me. No problem--until I encountered the check-out woman . She was in a hurry and noticeably agitated. Naturally she would be, I thought, in Electronics Hell. In any case I paid and A.J. led me out and directly to the main exit.
One more hurtle remained - the dreaded shoplifter detector, which I had never been through before. But I wasn't shoplifting, so not to fear.
Of course I set off the alarm. Everyone rushed to gawk.
The hurried woman in electronics hadn't demagnetized the package.
"Teen-age girls shoplift three billion dollars worth of cosmetics and I get zapped for something I paid for," I said to the Hello Man. "What happened to fear of going to hell for stealing?"
"It iced over," said the Hello Man.
Tom Dodge is a writer from Midlothian.
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