By Paula LaRocque, KERA 90.1 commentator.
Dallas, TX – I once spoke at an American Press Institute conference for Korean journalists. The institute director had briefed me that the Koreans would present me with a thank you gift and, individually, with their business cards. He cautioned me to take whatever they offered - including business cards - with both hands. In the Korean culture, he explained, one's personal card was considered something of value, and taking it with just one hand might be seen as careless and disrespectful, even rude.
It came to pass as he had predicted. The Korean editors gave me a carefully-wrapped gift, then each filed past, bowing slightly and ceremoniously offering me a business card with both hands. Their behavior seemed to honor both the receiver and the gift, and I was pleased to respond in kind.
I appreciated that lesson in international relations because it kept me from doing something hurtful or offensive, no matter how innocently. In our culture, receiving something from one hand to another is a practical matter tied to the size of the object - and a matter to which we give no thought. We both offer and receive something as small as a business card with one hand. We receive something with two hands only when we need two hands.
Such simple acts can cause misunderstanding. Take the handshake, which is almost a universal gesture. North Americans prefer a firm handshake. They dislike what they call a limp handshake because they see it as cold, meek, or disdainful. But those of Japanese and Middle Eastern cultures are taught to offer a gentle handshake because a firm one could be seen as aggressive. So we could misunderstand each other right there at that beginning clasp of hands.
The handshake can cause problems in Islamic countries when a man offers to shake a woman's hand. In Islam, men are forbidden to touch women to whom they are unrelated, and extending one's hand to a woman probably would be seen as awkward, if not actually rude or ignorant.
Eye contact can be troublesome as well. North Americans are told to establish direct eye contact. They believe such behavior shows that one is honest and sincere. Japanese and Koreans, however, maintain minimum eye contact. They try to avoid anything that could be seen as staring, because they've been taught that staring is disrespectful and intimidating. Americans, for their part, think that someone who won't meet their gaze is timid or has something to hide.
We see quickly how these people might be uncomfortable and suspicious if they had no understanding of the other's culture. One would think, "I don't trust him - he gave me that cold-fish handshake and now he won't meet my eyes." And the other would think, "He's pushy and aggressive - he crushed my hand and now he won't stop staring at me."
Good communication is a shared responsibility, of course, but maybe we could help dispel the "ugly American" stereotype if we made it our business to better understand the intricacies of cultural difference.
Paula LaRocque, The Dallas Morning News writing coach for twenty years, writes a column on language and communication for that newspaper.