By Matthew Broyles, KERA 90.1 Commentator
http://stream.publicbroadcasting.net/production/mp3/kera/local-kera-607717.mp3
Dallas, TX –
Hardly a week goes by that I don't hear or read a story about how stay-at-home-dads are running rampant all over post-Reagan America, challenging gender stereotypes and redefining the meaning of what it is to be a man.
Not in Texas, they're not.
At even the most liberal-minded playgroups I attend with my one-year-old son, the arrival of the only male adult is cause for raised eyebrows and dubious and doubtful glances. Even worse, though, is when I get a pat on the back and a "good for you!" as though I were an elementary school child who's just done something particularly clever.
Of course, this is exactly the sort of treatment that women have gotten in the workplace for decades. That patronizing pat on the back is really a kick in the teeth, make no mistake.
Parenting, at least the part that used to fall under the category motherhood, has seldom gotten any respect from men. Many of my working male friends scoff at how easy I've got it when I complain of a long day spent changing diapers, breaking up toy ownership disputes, and navigating city parks filled with lots of tasty debris for toddlers to choke on. As easy as my life apparently is, though, no one seems to envy me. Even though it's not real work, somehow nobody else wants to do it.
I suppose anytime someone wants to go against the grain, there's always that initial period of suspicion from the culture at large. It's a situation familiar to me from times when I've worked as a receptionist to pay the bills. There's nothing about the job of being a receptionist that a man can't do, yet seeing me behind the front desk always causes double-takes and nervous laughs. And quite seriously, I suspect that the reason I was often offered promotions out of those jobs was to get me into a more "manly" job so I'd stop making everyone so darn uncomfortable.
Of course, women run into the exact opposite problem when they find themselves at a professional pay grade. I've seen male bosses be absolutely diabolical in their efforts to make a degreed professional woman the de facto receptionist, even when there are men around far lower on the totem pole and sitting closer to the phone. These little battles reminded me of my sister and I when we were kids, arguing about who was gonna change the channel on the TV. Stubbornness, patience, and expectation can wear all but the most determined underdog down until soon they're not only changing the channel and answering the phone, but also making the coffee and restocking the half & half.
My wife's efforts to resist this sort of thing in her workplaces have often gotten her labeled the office troublemaker. Sadly, when I find mothers at playgroups speaking in low tones and cutting off conversations in mid-stream when they remember there's a man present, I get a similar message: "*sigh* C'mon, guy, why don't you just get a job and quit making everyone uncomfortable?"
Well, I'll tell you why: Because it's not about you. It's about doing what I believe is best for my son. He's really not concerned about offending you by bringing his old man along, so why should I be? And really, I do hold out some hope that it has more effect on the kids than the adults. The more my son and his friends see fathers as primary caretakers, the less weird they'll feel about considering that role when they become parents.
Which I guess is how things change through the generations. If in 20 years my son can't imagine why someone would bother to make a radio commentary about being a stay-at-home dad, that'll be just fine with me.
Matthew Broyles is a writer and musician in Dallas.
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