By Jennifer Nagorka, KERA 90.1 commentator.
Dallas, TX – I never would have expected that, a month after Dallas elected a new mayor, I'd be nostalgic for the good old days of the Laura Miller-Tom Dunning race.
But that's what the partisan primary contests have done. I want the issue-rich mayor's race back. I've attended two Republican candidate forums, watched the televised debates with the Democratic gubernatorial and senatorial candidates, and seen countless campaign ads. The highlight so far? The cheddar swan - a cheese version of an ice sculpture - at the Republican forum at a local country club. I'd never seen a cheese swan before.
Unfortunately, little else about the primary has been as novel or as cute as that cheese bird. For instance, the Democratic gubernatorial primary has been a mud wrestling fest. It's a race that only the incumbent governor, Republican Rick Perry, could love.
Sometimes, while watching candidates Dan Morales and Tony Sanchez snipe at each other during the recent TV debate, I thought I was watching a Republican debate. There was Morales decrying affirmative action and saying that English is the official language of Texas. There was Sanchez, saying that state government is run by a bunch of bureaucrats and bashing former Attorney General Morales as a professional politician. It was the sort of political rhetoric that wears voters down with its meanness and lack of substance.
To help these and other candidates improve their campaigns during the run-offs and fall elections, I humbly offer the following advice, based on recent experience:
First: Don't tell me I ought to vote for you because your father fought in the D-Day invasion of Normandy. My dad enlisted, too, and my uncle was a bomber pilot who was shot down more than once over Germany and the North Sea. I'm proud of them both. But that doesn't mean I'm qualified to hold public office.
Second: Don't tell me that your beautiful wife is about to deliver your first child. That process is hard on your wife, not you, and it only makes me wonder what kind of father you're going to be when you're away from your wife's side as such a crucial time. Besides, couples have babies all the time. Having babies is easier than raising them. Tell me that you have a teenager at home who is happy in school and involved in community service. Then I'll be impressed.
Third: Don't be too funny. There's a Congressional candidate who has a slick, amusing television ad that adeptly pounds home his name. The ads are so humorous I thought they were for Jack-in-the-Box. Turns out, the ads are real. But I have no idea what district the candidate is competing for, or which party he belongs to. I'd no more vote for him than I'd vote for the guy with the big head from the fast food commercials.
Fourth: Don't you dare run for public office if you haven't voted consistently during your adult life.
Fifth: Don't forget the cheese bird. It's a good way to distract the audience when you don't have anything more to say.
Jennifer Nagorka is a writer in Dallas.